After my father’s death I began to reflect on my life and to sort through feelings. For most of my life, I refused to admit to myself the molestation at the hands of my grandfather, and immediately pushed it out of my mind whenever it crept in. But in examining my life and childhood, I came to a point where I could no longer pretend it didn’t happen.
This was a cataclysmic event from which there was no turning back, no pretending it didn’t happen. The sky has darkened, and as in the painting, storm clouds began to roll in and fire-and-brimstone began to form. There are whimsical forms floating around, representing my attempts to retreat back into my safe self-delusion. As a little girl, I often delighting in watching the birds that came to the feeders. One of my favorites was the little nuthatch. But even that favorite little bird was reminding me that my world was topsy-turvy, for this is a little bird that has the unusual habit of traveling headfirst down tree trunks.
The figure in the lower corner represents a premonition of the lonely journey I was about to begin. I made this a male figure instead of female because it was still too hard to put myself into this situation.
Abuse Series Index
- Anti-Social Behavior
- I'm Afraid
- Feeding Frenzy
- I was Innocent
- Pain & Isolation
- Hurt Hate
- Grandpa, Why was I Sacrificed for You?
- Childhood Broken
- Before & After
- Broken Toy Broken Child
- Struggling to Emerge
- You Made the Colors of My World Bleed
- Still Some Garbage But It's Getting Better
- Blue Angel - Reclaiming My Childhood
- Always Smiling, Always Hidden
- The Premonition Had a Relapse
- The Premonition Dreamt It was a Child